This is certainly not an authoritative guide. I’ve had to do a lot of forgiveness, and this is what I’ve found works for me.
1. Recognize the need to forgive
This may seem obvious, but often it’s not. We may be suffering from anger, depression, and hurt over offenses that happened many years ago. Often facing those buried issues from the past and forgiving is the key to releasing that pain.
I personally can take a while to recognize the need for forgiveness even in current situations. Sometimes this is because I’m so angry and hurt that forgiveness is the last thing on my mind. Or, it can be because the offense is not something the person has done deliberately “wrong”, but it has had an effect on me nonetheless. If we are holding anger and resentment, the answer is forgiveness, whatever the cause.
If we’re continually thinking about a person or situation, it causes us stress, we are angry and hurt, we find ourselves reliving certain events, we fantasize about getting back at someone, we have imaginary conversations where we convince them of their wrong, we can’t “let it go”—these are all indications of the need to forgive.
If you are feeling general stress, lack of peace, anxiety, anger, or other negative emotions, often the root is unforgiveness. You can take it to God and ask him to show you if there’s anyone or anything you need to forgive.
2. Decide to forgive
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, forgiveness is a decision. It’s an act of the will, a choice made to obey God, whether we feel like it or not. Often the things we have to forgive are so monumental we may struggle with coming to a place where we are willing to. We may recognize that we need to, but we are honest about the fact that we can’t. That’s ok. It’s all right to struggle with God, and ask him for help. He doesn’t expect us to do anything we aren’t ready to do. The important thing is to be willing to obey him and to ask for his help.
We may say, “I can’t forgive, I hurt too much.” OK. But you will continue to hurt until you are able to release the bitterness through forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t an instant answer, a magic solution to wipe away all pain at once. It’s a process. We may have to forgive many times, as the pain comes up again. But we can do it, God will help us, and it will get easier.
Once we’ve made the decision to forgive and we are fully behind it with our will, 99% of the battle has been won. The only thing that remains is to follow through.
3. Forgive
I find it helpful to write out a list of things I am forgiving the person for. I recognize all things or aspects of things that I am angry for, and write them down.
Again, some of these may be things the person didn’t specifically do “wrong”. They may have let you down through no fault of their own. The point isn’t their intent, the point is your reaction. If it hurt you, you need to forgive. Forgiveness is releasing your resentment and your demand that they pay you back, whatever their intentions were. If you know you have anger about something, write it down.
Next I go through the list and pray: “God, I forgive so-and-so for...” and name each offense. Consciously and as a choice, release this thing to God. Decide that you are not going to hold on to the demand for repayment for this particular offense. You are letting it go.
The good news is that though forgiveness may be difficult, it is miraculously releasing and healing. You will feel a burden lifted, and you will feel peace, maybe for the first time in a long time. Even if you fall back into negativity and bitterness, you can forgive again to come back to this place. Eventually the pain will completely lift.
I have found that forgiveness often brings a new clarity and a new understanding of the person and the situation. Rather than seeing them as someone evil who has done you harm, you are capable of seeing them in a more sympathetic light, as a fundamentally broken person who was attempting to function and meet their needs in a broken way. This does not excuse what they did, but it does allow you to extend the same grace to them that you’d want extended to yourself. It allows you to pity them rather than to see yourself as their victim.
4. Repent
This may seem like a funny thing to put in a forgiveness process, but I find that as I forgive, God very often convicts me of ways I’ve sinned against the other person. If this comes up, confess and ask for forgiveness yourself.
In some situations, the fault is solely on the other person’s side. For example, in child abuse, the child is never at fault. We have to be careful not to take on false guilt, but also ready to face up to any wrong we realize.
5. Continue to forgive
Forgiveness usually isn’t a one-time thing. If a hurt has been major or ongoing, you will probably find the pain coming up again. It’s ok to feel hurt and grieve over an offense, even if you have forgiven it. But if you find anger, bitterness, and resentment creeping in again, forgive. If you remember other things they have done, forgive. If it’s someone you’re still in relationship with and fresh hurts come up, forgive.
The good news is that the initial forgiveness is like a “ground breaking”. The major work is done. Once you’ve positioned yourself in an attitude of forgiveness, the rest will follow.
6. (Possibly) express your forgiveness to the other person
This is optional. This can be a major breakthrough in restoring relationship. But it’s not helpful in every situation, and sometimes it’s impossible.
The person you’re forgiving may be dead, or unreachable. They may want nothing to do with you. They may not know that they hurt you, or the thing you’re forgiving them for may not be their fault. They may be completely unrepentant and telling them you’re forgiving them may simply make them angry. You may put yourself in further harm by contacting them. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
I believe each situation requires guidance from God. The key factor is whether expressing forgiveness would be beneficial to the other person and/or to your relationship. If not, keep it between yourself and God. Forgiveness is an act of your heart before him. It doesn’t require the other person’s knowledge or cooperation.
Alternatively or additionally, you may feel that you need to ask the person’s forgiveness for anything you did wrong to them. Ask God to show you.
Even if it is not possible or helpful to contact them, you may want to write them a letter. Say exactly what you would say to them if you could. If you aren’t sending it, you have the freedom to say anything. Fully express your anger and your hurt and how the offense affected you. Express your forgiveness. Ask their forgiveness for anything you’ve done wrong toward them. You may find this very healing and releasing.
If you decide you ought to contact them, keep the letter and write a second draft. Remove anything from the first one that would be hurtful or unhelpful, and write it for them to see. I express myself best through writing, so this is what I usually do. You may prefer a face to face or phone conversation. Do whatever works for you.
Comments: 0Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35)
When someone does us wrong or hurts us, they incur a debt against us. Unforgiveness is, very simply, holding on to the demand, consciously or unconsciously, that they pay us back. Forgiveness is the decision to cancel the debt, to declare that they owe us nothing, and to allow them to walk free.
When we don’t forgive, we are putting someone in the “prison” of our anger (internally or externally), in an attempt to punish them until they give us what they owe us. We refuse to release them until they have made up for what they have done, even if that’s impossible. We can hold onto unforgiveness of someone who has died or with whom we have lost touch.
We don’t forgive people because we feel that if we do, we will never get back what they owe us. Forgiveness seems intrinsically unfair, especially when sometimes the debt is so very, very large. How do we forgive the person who molested us? Who killed our child? Who left us for another person? How do we forgive when we live with the pain of what was done to us every day?
This is understandably many people’s main obstacle to forgiveness. The truth is, forgiveness IS unjust. It’s always undeserved. It’s saying that a wrong was done, a debt is owed. It’s letting someone go free for an offense for which they ought to be punished, and absolving them of a debt they ought to pay. It’s not fair. But then, neither is God’s forgiveness of us.
In this parable, the King is God. The debt the first servant owed is the debt all of us owe, a lifetime of sin and rebellion that we can never repay. God has freely and fully forgiven us. In fact, he actually took on the payment of the debt himself at the cross. He suffered the punishment we deserve so we can go free. That’s why God forgives, and that’s why we forgive.
In fact, we must forgive if we desire God’s forgiveness ourselves. Jesus said so just after he taught his disciples the Lord’s Prayer: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15) This may seem harsh, but how can you demand mercy for yourself, and justice for others? Especially since the debt others owe us is minute compared to the debt we owe God.
I believe the jail and the torment in this parable refers to not being forgiven. We put our fellow servant in “jail” when we refuse to forgive him, and God puts us in “jail” by not forgiving us if we don’t forgive. God is saying, “OK, you want fairness for that person, I’m going to operate the same way with you.”
We forgive in the knowledge that God will take care of the other person. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” (Romans 12:19) Nothing escapes God’s justice in the end. Even the most terrible crimes that are forgotten on earth will be called to account in God’s court.
However, if we have truly been forgiven a great debt by the King, our heart’s desire ought to be for the person who wronged us to experience the same. Romans 12 goes on to say, “To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (12:20-21)
Our forgiveness models on an earthly scale the forgiveness and restoration of God. If we have been redeemed, we recognize that the greatest good for the person is not to suffer God’s punishment, but to experience the same redemption. We forego our demand for justice in the hope that they will accept God’s offer of forgiveness. We can do this because we are secure in the knowledge of God’s forgiveness of us.
Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will. It’s a decision made to obey God, even if we don’t feel like it. I’ve heard people say, “But I have so much resentment and bitterness, I can’t forgive.” If we wait until we feel like it, we’ll never forgive. We can certainly ask God for help, and admit to him that we can’t do it, but if we wait for the feelings to come before we decide to forgive, it will never happen. By definition, forgiveness is a choice to release those feelings.
It’s empowering to realize we can choose. Even though it may be a struggle, it may take time, and we may have to forgive the same person many times, we can do it. We are no longer locked into the pain that their actions have caused us. We can be free.
Forgiving “from your heart” means fully and sincerely, from the depth of who you are. It means not half-heartedly, not as a religious duty or show, but willingly. It means letting go of every vestige of the demand or expectation that they pay us back, no conditions and no strings attached. They owe us nothing.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean not facing the pain of what was done to us or not grieving it. We can’t skip straight to forgiveness without going through this process. “Forgiveness” which attempts to do so is denial and pretense. True forgiveness involves fully and completely reckoning up the amount of the debt, as enormous as it might be, and recognizing exactly what it is you are releasing them from. It is becoming willing to do this. You will have to grieve and work through the anger of the offense, which is one reason why we are reluctant to do it. It’s painful to face up to the reality of what’s been done to us and accept our loss. It’s easier to hold on to anger and blame in the hope that it will be made up to us.
Forgiveness seems unfair because it releases the other person from the debt that they owe us, but ironically, holding on to what we think will get us what we need (unforgiveness, a demand for justice), keeps us victims of the person and their actions. It keeps us locked into the pain of the original offense, multiplying it and extending its reach into every area of our lives long after it happened. We are on the endless and futile treadmill of demanding that the debt be repaid.
Forgiveness puts things in the past. It allows us to lay them to rest and move on. Forgiveness is costly because it means letting go, but it allows us to heal.
In the next blog post, I’m going to write about how to forgive, using what I’ve found through my own experience.
Comments: 0Out of all of Jesus’ difficult teachings, this is one of the most difficult. It sounds very wonderful and noble in theory, and even non-followers of Jesus admire it. But in practice, it is one of the most difficult to carry out because it goes so contrary to our human nature. It’s nice to read about it, not so nice to have to do it.
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful." (Luke 6:27-36)
One of the most challenging things about it is that Jesus doesn’t offer any exceptions. He doesn’t say, “Love your enemy unless he has done x, y, or z, then you don’t have to. It’s too much to ask.” He simply calls us to love everyone who has hurt us or done us wrong, no questions asked. Our love is to extend to the most practical manifestation, sharing our goods or allowing them to be taken away. It’s to go as far as doing to our enemies what we would like done to us.
This is so contrary to who we are as humans. Jesus says as much in v. 32-34. Our natural tendency is to form alliances in families and friendships of people who are like us, people who love us, people who treat us kindly, people we enjoy being around. If someone does us wrong, how do we react? We gossip and slander that person behind their back. We avoid them or cut them out of our lives. We may actively seek revenge or take an opportunity to harm them. We certainly don’t seek to do them good. What goes around comes around, an eye for an eye. Karma.
That’s the way the world works. Jesus is saying that’s not how it works in his kingdom. If you want to be a son or a daughter of the King, you have to live according to the principles of the kingdom. In his kingdom, kindness is extended even to the “ungrateful and the evil” or as it’s worded in the parallel passage in Matthew, “For he [God] makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” (Matthew 5:45). God’s kingdom is a place where mercy is the ruling principle, not justice.
You are to be like this because God is like this. If you are his child, you have to behave like your Father. God is good and merciful even to those who are evil and hate him. He loves a world that despises and rejects him. He went so far as to make the ultimate sacrifice of his life for his enemies.
Humanly speaking, it’s impossible. But we know Jesus gives us the grace to do the impossible. We are simply following in his footsteps. As he was being crucified, nailed to a wooden cross and suffering the most cruel and degrading death possible, he prayed for his tormentors: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
So how do we do this? I believe it’s recognizing that it’s an act of obedience to Jesus and choosing to do it, asking him for the grace. He will supply the ability to a heart that is willing to obey him.
It’s also intrinsically tied to forgiveness, which Jesus talks about elsewhere. It’s impossible to love someone against whom you hold a grudge. Bitterness will prevent you from feeling or doing anything for them. This is not about pretending, a mechanical outward effort to do something you know you are supposed to do but resent. It will involve working through issues of anger, resentment, and pain till you arrive at a place of forgiveness. It’s not about denying or ignoring the fact that you have been hurt. If you are moving toward obedience to Jesus, you will get there even if it takes time.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be best buddies with the person who harmed you. That may not be possible or desirable. It does mean you work through things in your heart until you can honestly wish them well, hold no resentment, and are able to pray for them, most importantly if they don’t know God, for their repentance. And if you have an opportunity to do them good, you take it.
It can be incredibly difficult, but it sets you free. Bitterness and resentment against those who have done you harm, perceived or real, keeps you locked in a prison that cripples you emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. The ability to love and forgive even the worst offences means you cannot be harmed. What can anyone do to you if you are free to love them? It takes time and we don’t get there all at once. It can be a struggle that has to be fought many times. But it sets you free in the end.
Phillip Yancey tells a powerful story of forgiveness in his book, What’s So Amazing About Grace (chapter 8, Why Forgive?). A woman named Rebecca was married to a man who was addicted to porn and prostitutes. Eventually he left her for another woman. As can be expected, Rebecca went through months of incredible pain and anger. She realized she had to forgive for the sake of her children, but she couldn’t. Finally she came to a place where she was able to release her ex-husband to God. She called him and told him she forgave him and Julianne, the woman he’d left her for. He laughed her off.
A few years later, Rebecca got a hysterical phone call from Julianne. Her husband had been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. She thought back to the phone call Rebecca had made telling them she forgave them, and thought that perhaps Rebecca would be the one to understand. Because of the choice Rebecca had made years before, she was able to invite Julianne over and talk and pray with her. Julianne believes that she became a Christian that night.
There’s an interesting quote from Rebecca. She says: “For a long time, I had felt foolish about forgiving my husband. But that night I realized the fruit of forgiveness.” Forgiveness can feel extremely foolish, particularly when the person who betrayed us is unrepentant or doesn’t care. However, it releases us from pain, and it opens the door for God’s grace to work in that person’s life, perhaps even through us; or as in Rebecca’s case, the woman who’d been involved in her husband’s betrayal.
We may never see the fruit of forgiveness in the other person’s life. But we will in ours. And we will be like God, who continues loving even those who continue to reject him. We can leave the other person to him knowing that he will do what is just and right.
Comments: 0I so easily fall into the trap of thinking that I can somehow manipulate God and force situations to turn out the way I want them to by doing the right thing. I am often under the illusion that if I fast enough, pray intensely enough or use the right words, come to the right point of surrender, or obey fully enough, then God will grant me what I want. The outcome will be good, and by good, I mean the way I want it to be.
You often hear versions of this thinking in Christian circles. A common saying is that when you’re fully content in Christ, God will give you a spouse. This is the Christian version of the cliche that when you’re not looking, you find someone (which I’ve also heard Christians say). Or I’ve had people say to me that if I surrender the thing I most want, God will give it back to me.
It’s possible there is some truth to those sayings, but the way I tend to take it is that if I try hard enough to get to the right place spiritually, then God will give me what I want (but I have to pretend not to want it in the meantime).
That’s not faith, it’s simply a means of control. It’s not trusting God, it’s an attempt to use him as a way of getting what you want. The end result is that if and when you don’t get it, you become bitter and disillusioned with God. You lose faith when in reality your faith wasn’t based on God and his promises, it was based on yourself and your efforts. When God doesn’t see your goodness and reward you, you give up on him. Your goal isn't God and relationship with him, it's getting what you desire. He's just a means to that end.
God’s gifts are gifts given freely by grace, as and when and how and to whom he chooses. We know that we can’t earn salvation, we receive it as a gift given freely to sinners who don’t deserve it but simply trust him. The same is true of God’s other gifts.
Jesus told a parable to this effect (Matthew 20:1-16). In the story, the owner of a vineyard goes out several times during the day, beginning in the early morning and ending one hour before quitting time, to hire workers. At the end of the day, he pays everyone the same wage. Those who started in the early morning are enraged at the apparent unfairness of being paid no more than those who worked for only one hour. The owner of the vineyard says to one of them: “I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”
Jesus’ point was that God’s gifts and resources are his to do with as he pleases. If we think we can get an edge on him by working harder or being more spiritual, we are wrong. We can’t manipulate him into giving. We can’t force his hand or complain that he’s unjust.
“Faith” is not drumming up enough sincerity or the right attitude or the magical formula so that God will listen. It’s not trying to twist God’s arm by giving him what we think he wants so he’ll give us what we want. It’s not “obeying” to gain enough points to earn what we're really after.
Faith is the recognition that in the face of our circumstances, we are truly helpless. We have no hope but God. Faith is coming to him totally empty-handed, like a beggar seeking bread, and asking him for what we need knowing that it must come from him or not at all. Faith doesn’t manipulate, it interacts with God honestly and freely like one would with a trusted friend or a good and loving Father. Faith trusts that even if we don’t get what we want, or when we want it, or in the way that we want it, God is still good. That greater good will come out of the way he does things than if we get what in our limited perspective we think is best. Faith continues to obey him knowing that doing the right thing will lead to the best outcome, even if it isn’t the outcome we desire. It is truly and honestly letting go of our desires and wishes and saying to God, “Your will be done.” It is accepting what he gives us.
Christianity isn’t a cosmic avenue for escaping the pain of this world. Some sections of the church teach this, for example what is known as the “prosperity gospel” that many televangelists preach. However Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, we know one day he will make all things new. Death, sickness, suffering, pain, and tears will all vanish. Until then, we take part in his victory by becoming new on the inside, and experiencing his grace, strength, peace and joy even sometimes in the middle of the worst things to happen to us.
This isn't a pie-in-the-sky way to feel better. None of us has control. Control is an illusion, and it can be deeply frightening to recognize that we are in the grip of forces completely outside our ability to influence. In the middle of that, the only answers are denial (and renewed attempts to control), despair, or faith in a loving God who IS in control. As humans, we naturally attempt to control when faced with the impossible or unacceptable. Control leads to anxiety because it attempts to do the impossible. Trust leads to peace because it accepts reality. It’s a much saner and freer way to live.
(Disclaimers: This is a lesson I’m LEARNING, and I fail in it again and again. Thankfully there’s grace, and there’s progress, even for a slow learner like me. Also, this isn’t to say that God doesn’t answer prayer, or never gives us what we ask for, but that’s a different topic.)
Comments: 0I was reading Exodus 17:1-7 today. In it the Israelites are grumbling and complaining because they have no water. They quarrel with Moses and accuse him of bringing them into the wilderness to die. So Moses talks to God and God does a miracle by having Moses hit a stone with his staff and water came out of it. It says that the Israelites tested God by saying, “Is the Lord among us or not?”
I am guilty of doing the exact same thing they are.
God redeemed them and brought them out of Israel powerfully, and did many mighty signs among them. He made a covenant with them, saying they were his people and he was their God. And yet, despite all the miracles and the covenant and hearing God’s voice, they still grumbled and doubted, convinced that God was going to abandon them, do them evil, not provide for them or take care of them, and allow them to die in the desert.
I do the exact same thing.
God saved me powerfully. He did many mighty signs in my life, and he has ALWAYS taken care of me. Yet I STILL fall into grumbling, doubt, and anger, believing that he has abandoned me, that he doesn’t care for me, that he WON’T actually work out the situations in my life for good, despite his promise to, that he WON’T deliver me.
After all that God had done for the Israelites, the many miraculous signs, the challenge “Is the Lord among us or not?” is fairly unbelievable. But I’m guilty of asking the same kind of questions. “God, are you really there? Do you really care about me? Are you really working things out in my life, or am I just the victim of random chance and circumstance?”
It’s legitimate to wonder those things sometimes. But I am often guilty of believing them and becoming angry at God, functionally living as though I am not his child.
It should be noted that the Israelites WERE out of water at that point in time. There was no doubt about that! But they had seen God provide for them miraculously time and again. They should have believed that he would do it again. They should have waited patiently. They should have asked him. Instead of grumbling and getting angry and becoming despairing and unbelieving, they should have trusted that God would deliver them. In fact, he still did, despite their unbelief and stinky attitude!
God, help me to not be like that. Help me to believe that whatever my current circumstances, your promise in Romans 8:28 that you make all things work together for the good of those who love God, is TRUE and it WILL happen. No matter how bad or how depressing or discouraging my circumstances may happen to be, help me to trust that you will bring water out of a rock. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Comments: 1
I made up these cookies for my friend Heather, who at the time was allergic to just about any category of food you could think of. I challenged myself to use only ingredients I already had in my cupboard. They turned out surprisingly well, and are popular even with people who don't have all these food sensitivities. You don't have to tell them :-)
Ingredients
2 cups quinoa flakes or rice flakes (or quick-cooking oats if gluten allergy isn't a problem)
1 cup shredded unsweetened coconut
3/4 cup honey powder, coconut sugar, or dry sweetener of your choice
1/2 cup rice flour
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup coconut oil
3/4 cup unsweetened soy milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Prep
Preheat oven to 350F.
Mix together dry ingredients thoroughly.
Melt coconut oil in saucepan and pour into dry ingredients gradually, stirring at the same time until thoroughly mixed.
Mix in soy milk and vanilla extract (the dough will be quite moist)
Form tablespoon-size balls of dough and place them on greased baking sheets.
Bake for about 12 minutes or until done (they will start to appear dry on the outside and firm enough to pick up with a spatula, but still moist on the inside).
Remove from baking sheets and place on racks to cool.
Enjoy!
Makes about 40 cookies.
Category: Recipes Comments: 0The timing of writing this has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I guess it is, in a way, appropriate to the day, but not really. It’s appropriate to all the time.
I’ve been thinking about the nature of true love.
In the past, I’ve been guilty of being confused about love. I think there’s culture-wide confusion about it. This is certainly not an original observation to me. Many people have noted that our culture tends to think of “love” almost exclusively in terms of romantic infatuation, which actually has nothing to do with love.
Love is not a desire to possess the other person.
It’s not physical attraction.
It’s not the desire to spend every moment you can with them.
It’s not sex.
It’s not admiration of the person’s good qualities.
It's not powerful emotional feelings about them.
It’s not the desire to spend the rest of your life with them, or the commitment to do so.
It’s not wanting the other person to fulfill, complete, or satisfy you.
It’s not even doing nice things for the other person, if the primary goal is to get them to love you back.
Good romantic love should include all of those things. But unless it also includes actual love, it’s doomed to fail.
We’ve all experienced or seen it: people fall “out of love” all the time. Their infatuation turns to hatred. Lovers’ talk about how wonderful the other person is turns into a contest to tear each other apart. People drift away. Communication stops or becomes tinged with poison, loaded with hidden mines. Someone else becomes more intriguing, more beautiful, more appealing. The promise is out there that someone else will fulfil me more than you do.
I’ve come to understand that the essence of true love is the willingness to sacrifice yourself for the other person, to put their needs and desires ahead of your own, to love them more than you love yourself. Simple. To the extent that you do that, that is the measure of your love.
It’s easy to feel “in love” when the other person is making you feel good, or when you’re getting something out of it. But that’s not love.
That’s true of all relationships, not just romantic ones.
Why do I say that? Where does that idea come from?
It comes from God, the inventor of love, the One we are told IS love (1 John 4:8).
Jesus, who put his money where his mouth was, defined love like this: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13) Of course, Jesus didn’t just teach this, he did it, becoming the ultimate example of love.
1 John 3:16 makes it even more explicit: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.”
True love costs. Even in romantic relationships. It means putting aside your own needs, your own wants, your own desires, to serve the other person. It means seeking their good ahead of your own, even when it is painful or difficult to do so. It means a willingness to sacrifice yourself and your well-being and happiness, if necessary, for them. It is thinking about them first and doing to them what you would want done for you. And continuing to do so, even if and when it isn’t returned.
Of course the paradox, as with so many things in Jesus’ kingdom, is that this results in your own personal fulfilment and joy. The way down is the way up, the road to death is the path to life.
There’s a great laundry list of the characteristics of true love in 1 Corinthians 13 that we should all check ourselves against once in a while:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor 13:4-7)
That’s humbling, and challenging. Let’s ask the one who epitomises true love, Jesus, to give us more of this kind of character, in our romantic relationships and toward all people.
I want to love. Not just to “be in love”.
Comments: 0I tried this out on a whim and it turned out surprisingly delicious.
Ingredients:
- One medium to large butternut squash
- 2 TBSP fresh ginger, minced fine
- 5 cups water
- 1 TBSP powdered vegetable bouillon, or 1 vegetable bouillon cube
- 2 400ml (14 fl oz) cans coconut milk
- 2 TBSP curry powder
- salt and fresh-ground black pepper, to taste
Directions:
Heat oven to 400° F (200° C). Place butternut squash on a baking sheet and pierce the skin in several places with a fork. Bake for approximately 30 min, or until skin begins to brown, blister and wrinkle.
Remove squash from oven and allow to cool. Peel off skin (skin should come off easily, if it doesn't bake it for a bit longer). Cut squash in half lengthwise; scoop out and discard seeds and the stringy flesh around them. Cut the remainder into cubes.
Place squash and minced ginger in a stockpot; add 5 cups water and vegetable bouillon. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until it begins to break down into a soupy consistency.
Add remaining ingredients and cover. Cook over low heat, stirring often, until squash breaks down and any remaining cubes are easily mashed with a fork. Use food processor or blender to whip into a smooth, creamy consistency.
Makes approximately 10 cups soup.
Category: Recipes Comments: 0
I originally knit this hat as a sample for Romni Wools, a giant yarn store in downtown Toronto where I worked for a year. The yarn, Malabrigo Twist, was new and they wanted something to show customers what it looked like knit up. I picked a Shetland Eyelet lace stitch pattern from Barbara Walker's A Treasury of Knitting Patterns, cast on, and pretty much straight knit without any frogging that I can remember. The decreases worked out neatly and the result was pleasing enough that I decided to re-knit it and publish the pattern for everyone to enjoy. This finally happened about a year and a half after knitting the original sample!
Initially I wanted to call the pattern something else, but the name was already taken. So I named it Chelsea Hotel after a gorgeous song by a talented singer/songwriter friend of mine, Jason Brown, which I listened to while knitting the second sample.
This hat is a very quick knit, in biggish yarn on fairly big needles. The sample I knit took 55 grams of Malabrigo Twist, colour Teal Feather.
Category: Knitting Designs Comments: 0
Hatticus is a giant cabled hat topped with a small peak and a huge pom-pom. It's great fun to knit and super quick, with big needles and super-bulky yarn. It's even more fun to wear, and super warm.
The yarn suggested is Cascade Magnum, but you can use any super-bulky yarn that knits to a gauge of about 2 stitches per inch on 10mm needles. Garnstudio Polaris would be another great choice. My hat took about 80 yards Cascade Magnum, colour 9453.
Category: Knitting Designs Comments: 0